I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
