me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
