the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
