just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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