I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Just invented taco cereal.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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