hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Randomize
