i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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