I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
