Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
