why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize