Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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