Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Randomize
