and you said cock pushups were impossible
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
