I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
