I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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