every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
