Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
