He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
