whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Randomize
