I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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