I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Your cock deserves a montage
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
