i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
