I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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