Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
