You work out of a Hotel?
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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