Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
