I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
