Fine. I'll sleep in my office
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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