I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
