I haven't been this sober since birth.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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