i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
