genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I just gargled with NyQuil
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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