If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
i now understand why vodka
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
