Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Randomize
