so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
