Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Randomize
