hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
