he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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