i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
