Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
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