Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
