that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
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