Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Randomize
