Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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