No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
