I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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