I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
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