capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
