Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
