Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
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