If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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