I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
