ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
