I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
