dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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