I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
