the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
