all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
