I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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