I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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