She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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