I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
