Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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