I haven't been this sober since birth.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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