Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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